Thursday, July 31, 2008


I was the victim of a hate crime this morning.

As I rolled through a stop sign on my way to the bridge, a pedestrian that I (allegedly) almost hit yelled, "There was a stop sign cocksucker!" I was still in the midst of drinking my coffee so didn't think about opening my window before flipping him off and responding with "Shut the fuck up fucking fuckface fucker." The inside of my car was very impressed with my insult.

Now that I think about it, maybe he was hitting on me?

In other news, in an effort to run back to my coworker's desk to hide and scare her when she returned (she screams so fucking loud it is hysterical and I love doing it), I had some sort of physical freak out that ended with me punching myself in the face. My nose really really hurts - like I think I might have broken it. It's apparently really red.

Pretty eventful day, I'd say...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

an open letter, part 2

dear woman in blue honda,

thank you so much for teaching me how to merge this morning. it's weird - in 10 years of driving i never quite figured out what the arrows on the ground meant. at first i was a little confused by your hand motions - were you trying to figure out how large my penis is? were you saying i had lost some weight? but then i realized you were just showing me that i have a larger brain than you because i'm a man. it was very instructional.

anyway, i don't know if you saw my thank you present. it was my middle finger and some lewd hand motions that i know you'd enjoy. you seemed a little scared that i was driving so close to you, but i just wanted to give you a love tap to let you know how much i appreciated our pantomime conversation.

all my best,

ps... that shit stain should come out with some bleach

Thursday, July 10, 2008

an open letter

dear woman in red toyota yaris,

that wasn't me that honked at you. sure, i was frustrated you didn't move when the light turned green, but i didn't honk. it was the guy next to me. and i know you don't believe me, as evidenced by the flipping me off, and then turning around to shake your finger at me and yell and then flip me off again, but really. i didn't do it. since you didn't seem to want to roll down your window when i drove up next to you around the corner, here is what i was saying:

"hey cunt-face. that wasn't me. do you hear this (honk)? that's not the fucking horn from back there. now i wish i had honked, or bumped you into the intersection so that the camera flashed and you got a moving violation, just to piss you off. i hate you. why don't you go back to fort jesus-town patriot-ville or whatever bumblefuck town you learned to drive in, and get out of my way. because bitch? i'm late. suck it."


Wednesday, July 2, 2008

things that happened to me today

my one hour meeting stretched to three.

my boss cheered me on as i chugged a beer.

i learned (learnt?) some names at choir.

i squeezed my red wine colored car into a tiny parking space (no joke i went back and forth probably 10 times getting in there) ... and promptly walked around the corner and saw a gigantic free spot.  if all the necessary cars are still there in the morning i'll take pictures.

made plans to see "wanted" and meet some dogs... probably the highlight of the day.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

funny story...

i use the gym at work in the mornings. usually there is one other person there - occasionally 2. extremely rarely 3. so when i made the decision yesterday morning to wear short shorts and a t-shirt that says "GWENYTH" across the back, i thought i'd be okay.

4 people in the gym. only 1 of whom i say hi to on a regular basis.

today, in my regular soccer shorts and old volleyball t-shirt - 2 people in the gym. both buddies of mine. figures.

by the by - i ran 5 miles this morning. i'm a monster!