As I sat in dead stopped traffic on the approach to the freeway tonight, any last remaining willpower to not drink vanished. Horrendous traffic? Wine! Giants lose? Beer! 49ers win? Vodka! You see how it goes...
Now I should preface this by saying, in all honesty, that I have a drinking problem. God that sounds so intense. I'm an alcoholic. Wait no that's worse. How about "I fucking love drinking now get the fuck out of my way unless you want to stick it in" ("it" being a penis and "in" meaning any vague direction I gesture to with my hands). That being said...
Here are some excellent reasons to drink that I've employed over the last two weeks. Feel free to borrow them - they are foolproof (which I just proved by googling how to spell that word! Blogging + wine = excellent)
1) While you wait for food: "One mejor pollo asado burrito with black beans and guacamole. To go. And can I have a Stella for while I wait." This one requires you to own it, as the cashier will undoubtedly smirk... since it takes approximately 3 minutes to make a burrito. Whatever, what the fuck else am I going to do?
2) I got dangerously close to shedding one artful tear in therapy... so obviously needed 3 beers to shove those emotions back down under the liver where they belong. Of course, they do find a way of coming out eventually (just like me - ZING!) - recently my "allergies kicked in" when I caught the end of Homeward Bound on tv. Shut up. They made it home - so amazing! Also pollen and dander and whatever.
3) Work party... aka every day, aka there is a stocked bar 10 feet from my hallway cube. I used to not drink at work, because I get comfortable and start saying inappropriate things ("You had a booger hanging out your nose during that meeting and we all talked about it after," "I call you babe behind your back because you look like a pig" etc. etc.), but then I relaxed a bit. And I haven't gotten fired (yet). Win win.
4) Presidential debates! I mean this is a no brainer. I actually made it like 10 minutes in the other night before turning to my dear friend vodka, so I was nice and buzzed by the time the whole binder full of women shit happened. In my stupor I internet-ed that phrase immediately, and definitely think I can take credit for that meme. As soon as someone explains to me what a meme is. My mom actually probably knows.
5. Thursday through Monday, aka the gay weekend. Fridays and Saturdays are for amateurs - Thursday and Sunday are where it's at. Of course that usually means I need to hair-of-the-dog it on Monday, and I always end up going out Friday and Saturday anyway. I mean come on, it's Friday and Saturday.
6) Pitch Perfect. Since I don't smoke weed anymore (now that I have severe anxiety issues and my heart starts to pound super fast and I give myself a hernia [wait what's a hernia (just googled it, that's not what I meant. Ulcer? let's go with that)] it's just not fun) I need to liven things up at funny movies. I maybe had Ainate smuggle a Sam Adams Light into the movie theater in her purse. I'm classy, so I wouldn't put it down my pants like she suggested (just kidding, I totally did) (just kidding, she didn't suggest that) (at least not out loud).
Okay that's it for now. I have to go mow on this burrito and see if the wine decanted (see above re: being a classy lady). Lemon out!