Monday, October 1, 2012

That thing where you drink for 9 hours.

In hindsight, I probably should have stopped drinking when I realized I was lost, but only 6 blocks from my house.  That would have been the responsible decision though, and lord knows I don't make any of those.  Hasia's birthday went from fun daytime drinking to sloppy twilight drinking to downright nasty nighttime holy shit-ness... and that's where our story begins.

Location: Beauty Bar.  Sample Yelp reviews: "dingy" "disgusting" "Super Hipsters" "smells like ass sweat every time."  Needless to say, we had a great time.

We were maybe 15 strong at that point, but had collectively drank enough to subdue 24 frat boys (including pint-size margaritas that I can safely call "rape in a glass").  I, for one, was doing my patented "turn around" dance move that involves a full circle.  Correctly executed, you do a 360-turn without missing a beat (literally!).  Not done correctly, you stumble around in a circle for a few minutes and then find someone new to dance with because you can't even remember who was in front of you twenty seconds ago.

After I slapped a random ass but before I got freaky with a black girl, I got up on a tiny stage to dance.  Because nothing says "nice to meet you" to a coworker than booty-dancing her on a stage in front of her new boyfriend.  We only lasted one song.  I'd like to say I had an agressive dismount from the stage.  Others might call it falling off.  Either way, I plowed into a group of tiny Asians like I was the bowling ball and they were the pins.  (Sidenote: is Asian bowling a thing?  I kinda think it should be??)  Only a firm grasp from Sully kept me from the strike I was clearly going for.

One short car ride later, and we were at Toad Hall.  I think I lasted 10 minutes.  I tagged out after I realized I was standing alone in the corner, awkwardly staring at people that walked by and hoping that one of them would magically decide to make out with me.  I made it to the pizza place and successfully bought two slices of pizza.  I walked as far as my barbershop where I decided to eat the pizza, standing against the wall like some kind of grifter (who has pepperoni all over his shirt).

When I woke up, my mouth was open and so dry that my lips were stuck to my teeth.  I momentarily thought I had developed West Nile or Ebola and was dead.  Sadly, still alive.  I scanned my room - clothes on the ground (standard), wallet hanging out of my dresser drawer (interesting), everything on my dresser half on the ground (wait what?).  Judging by the angle, it looks like I fell as I entered my room and knocked almost everything off my dresser.  But the pizza paper plate (great band name!) was grease-glued in place, so that's cool.

All in all, a happy birthday was had by everyone!  But mostly me.

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