Location: Beauty Bar. Sample Yelp reviews: "dingy" "disgusting" "Super Hipsters" "smells like ass sweat every time." Needless to say, we had a great time.
We were maybe 15 strong at that point, but had collectively drank enough to subdue 24 frat boys (including pint-size margaritas that I can safely call "rape in a glass"). I, for one, was doing my patented "turn around" dance move that involves a full circle. Correctly executed, you do a 360-turn without missing a beat (literally!). Not done correctly, you stumble around in a circle for a few minutes and then find someone new to dance with because you can't even remember who was in front of you twenty seconds ago.
After I slapped a random ass but before I got freaky with a black girl, I got up on a tiny stage to dance. Because nothing says "nice to meet you" to a coworker than booty-dancing her on a stage in front of her new boyfriend. We only lasted one song. I'd like to say I had an agressive dismount from the stage. Others might call it falling off. Either way, I plowed into a group of tiny Asians like I was the bowling ball and they were the pins. (Sidenote: is Asian bowling a thing? I kinda think it should be??) Only a firm grasp from Sully kept me from the strike I was clearly going for.
One short car ride later, and we were at Toad Hall. I think I lasted 10 minutes. I tagged out after I realized I was standing alone in the corner, awkwardly staring at people that walked by and hoping that one of them would magically decide to make out with me. I made it to the pizza place and successfully bought two slices of pizza. I walked as far as my barbershop where I decided to eat the pizza, standing against the wall like some kind of grifter (who has pepperoni all over his shirt).
When I woke up, my mouth was open and so dry that my lips were stuck to my teeth. I momentarily thought I had developed West Nile or Ebola and was dead. Sadly, still alive. I scanned my room - clothes on the ground (standard), wallet hanging out of my dresser drawer (interesting), everything on my dresser half on the ground (wait what?). Judging by the angle, it looks like I fell as I entered my room and knocked almost everything off my dresser. But the pizza paper plate (great band name!) was grease-glued in place, so that's cool.
All in all, a happy birthday was had by everyone! But mostly me.