therapy

i have some issues. let's just start with that. i have been going to therapy for almost a year now (and on and off for the last... long time), and take anti-depressants. i also have anxiety issues and self-medicate too often with alcohol and cigarettes (but i don't do drugs! score one for eoin!).

monday nights are therapy nights for me, and last night my therapist kinda yelled at me. i'm not sure how i feel about it yet. well, i do know how i feel about it right now, which is that i'm mad at her. but i guess this is her job.

i have spent the last year working on setting up a life in california, and now that i seem to have finally gotten a base under me, i guess it is time to start looking at other issues. because i'm certainly not happy day to day - well that's not really true - but i know there is more work to be done.

i suppose i probably needed a kick in the pants to stop being evasive and waste my time and money (and my therapist's time) not really "doing the work" but... it still kinda sucks.

this reminds me of the season 3 premiere of veronica mars, where veronica asks mac how it's going with her therapist, and mac replies "i think she's bored with me." that's how i feel.

so now i have 5 days to experience like, feelings, or whatever it is that normal people do, so that i have something to work with as opposed to just being angry with her. although, now that i think about it, maybe part of my problem is thinking i need to go to therapy with an idea of what i'm going to talk about. maybe the point should be to just... be there.

le sigh. self examination is hard.

i'm late

i shower after my roommate in the mornings. she is at least 20 minutes behind schedule this morning so... i'm sitting here, my clothes laid out, my towel in my hand, waiting for her to finish in the bathroom.

awesome.

update: since i'm sure you are all EXTREMELY curious to hear how this ended, i managed to speed my way to work and only showed up 10 minutes late. the best part was that i ended up behind the red toyota yaris that was the subject of one of my open letters. she still does not know how to drive.

holy fuck

i just ran 9 miles at the gym. be impressed.

an open letter, part 5

dear prius owners,

isn't it awesome driving a prius? i know! me too! i love that i spend $30 a week on gas despite the fact that i drive, at minimum, 350 miles a week, although, really, i kinda hate having a car and constantly feel like i'm going to get in or cause a horrific car accident but that's not really the prius' fault so...

so you know that carpool lane? the one on the far left that we're able to drive in with our fancy stickers that make me feel so smug? it's awesome! here's the thing though. when it's not carpool hours, that lane is actually just the fast lane. so MOVE THE FUCK OVER YOU'RE DRIVING TOO SLOW. just because you CAN drive in that lane doesn't mean you HAVE to. that lane is for passing. and i want to pass you because i can guarantee i'm going faster than you.

the open letters have a motif, fellow prius drivers, and that is: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

all the best,
eoin

monday monday

my sister came into town this weekend for my mom's 60th birthday (which is, actually, today). she arrived thursday. mom and i got her a burrito and hung out at the house for a bit.

i was "sick" on friday. we all met up for brunch at a new place in a weird oakland neighborhood - it was really tasty, but strange to think of how it "caught on" considering it really is in the middle of all these warehouses.

on friday night, nora, my mom and i went into san francisco and stayed at a fancy hotel (the mark hopkins) as a little vacation/treat. we went to the bar at the top of the hotel - top of the mark - with amy and had a couple cocktails. it was a bit of a tourist spot - kinda pretentious, expensive and weak drinks, etc - but still a nice time. nora, mom and i went to delfina for dinner after and had an awesome meal (i ate rabbit!). we finished with dessert and wine at nora's friend's restaurant down the street.

saturday = coffee and window shopping in noe valley; relaxation; the birthday bash; and nora and eoin out on the town with amy and victor (and by out on the town, i mean we went to one bar but stayed there all night).

sunday = waking up way too early; lattes from peet's and mexican pastries from the mission; football; cards; dinner; wine.

it was a packed weekend. have another birthday celebration tonight (i bought two tarts from tartine that i'm bringing by my mom's house) and then another dessert and wine party on thursday. you only turn 60 once!

jesus

1) one of the cats i took care of this weekend is really really sick. potentially a fatal intestinal problem, or ... they don't know yet. holy crap.
2) has anyone noticed that the stock market exploded for the second straight day? and exploded in not the right direction?
3) i had an hour long battle with the copy machine this morning and it put me in the worst mood ever. while i won the battle, the fucking oil or lube or whatever the fuck they put on the machine got on my jeans and now they're stained.
4) i ran 7 miles and now my ankle and knees hurt and i can't stop eating candy that fucking jenn put in the kitchen.
5) i'm thinking about going to reno for the weekend before the election to get out the vote for obama. also, i am going to start phone banking for the opposition to prop 8.
6) wednesday.

work

i'm on the job search again. things are a little up in the air at my current place, so i'm hoping to expand my options before they are expanded for me. i don't know if that metaphor worked but basically i'm trying to find a new job before i'm laid off.

in other news, i had a relaxing weekend at the kittens' house and it really solidified my desire to move out of my apartment. the place over in noe is just so comfortable, so bright, so homey, that i want that for myself. instead i have my dark dirty cesspool.

tonight = therapy.

jenn's birthday!

woo! best friday ever!

i love birthdays.

party and decorating in the am.

awesome chili fun friday.

cake time this afternoon.

then time for the weekend!

today

i don't know if i can face writing the 9/11 post i was planning on doing.

it seems so monumental. so huge.

the events of that day rocked everyone to the core, and i don't think i'll ever fully recover.

i know i'll never forget.

i got nothing

i'm really trying to blog every day (or at least every work day... since i have so much time!), but today is hard because, well... i don't know what the hell to write about.

nothing funny has happened.
nothing dramatic.
nothing particularly disgusting.

i still have the beard. i ate some leftover chinese for lunch. i'm reading ruth reichl's "tender at the bone" and loving it. i ran 4 horrendous miles at the gym. i'm going to cook sausages and stirfry for dinner and watch battlestar galactica. oh! i had choir last night and there was a new guy who was kinda cute.

uhh... that's all i got. really.

is it friday yet?

beard of destiny

i last shaved on august 10th. when i got back from new york, i could not for the life of me find my electric razor and so have just been letting my facial hair go.

i called it a "protest beard" for a while since my boss had her last day on the first friday i was back at work. but... i'm not really protesting anything.

over the past two weeks, i've started to notice that i'm getting more attention from guys. mostly bears. it's not exactly my scene, but i think the beard is magical and has transformed my appearance. if nothing else, i think i might look more gay. either way, i am giving the beard a try (and i started calling it the beard of destiny).

however, i'm at the awkward "i need to start shaving" phase and i'm terrified i'm going to fuck it up. i've been doing some online beard research - and there is a lot out there - and they recommend not touching your beard for 4-6 weeks at first so that you have something to work with. it's just been 4 weeks for me so i guess i have another week or two to go.

i might go to a barber for help on creating the neck shave line. i'm afraid i would either do it crooked, take too much off, or just generally make it look retarded and have to shave the whole thing off.

which i'll probably end up doing soon anyway, since my beard is a) patchy and b) multi-colored (brown, red, and, god help me, white).

beards.

hmm

my roommate emily is moving out. she told us last night that she is "ready to move on with her life." no timeframe yet though - she is considering buying a condo so it could be a while.

do i move into her room? that is the question. it is much smaller and the ceiling is low - those are the negatives. oh and it's carpeted which i always find a little strange. however, it's also at the back of the house, so it would be quieter, and has three windows - they're small but all get much better light than my somewhat large air shaft window. the rent is the same.

if i am planning on staying in the house for a longer period of time, i'm definitely thinking i should take the room. however, i've also been looking at craigslist for other rooms - so would it be worth it to switch rooms in the house if i'm also looking to get out? these are the things i'm thinking about.

in other news, i housesat this weekend and it was really hot, and the kittens were really meow-ey, but it was awesome. oh and i only slept 4 hours on friday night so i'm still in recovery. i think i'm off to the gym!

UPDATE: i went to the gym and ran 7 miles. then i realized that my nipples were chafing really badly and my shirt was soaked with blood. it was NOT awesome.

my week in numbers

8 - episodes. i started watching battlestar season 3 and have burned through 8 already. i watched a really shitty episode last night, but i'm going to forge ahead and try and bang out a bunch more this weekend.
7 - days. one week ago was the last day at work for my awesome boss dina and my buddy brian. it is sad without them here. one week from today will be the one year anniversary of my departure from new york. so many feelings about that - maybe i'll save that for next week.
6 - pack. of pacifico. i bought two this week.
5 - miles. i got my ass to the gym 4 times this week and ran 5 miles each time. i'm feeling pretty smug right now.
4 - pounds. i seem to have gained 4 pounds. i was floating between 167 and 169 before i left for new york - now i'm floating between 171 and 173 (though this morning was even higher). the 2 pound variance seems to depend on how much beer i've drank that week and how big a shit i take in the morning. the 4 pounds is from not treating my body very well (ie not working out) and eating and drinking like i'm a fucking roman conquistador.
3 - beers. i drank 3 beers by myself on wednesday night after my aborted attempt to find a bar to watch the tennis match. not the highlight of the week.
2 - kitties! i'm housesitting this weekend and next for two ridiculously cute kittens at a fantastic apartment over in noe valley. i'm pretty pumped, and will definitely take pictures when i find my camera.
1 - cigarette. i smoked last night. i hit the cigs pretty hard when i was in new york (sara's fault) and had been good since i was back. but last night, sitting in delores park with anna, drinking beers, the time was right. we bummed two parliament lights from some dude whose girlfriend/wife kept screaming at their dog.

in other news, i have lost my electric razor and have a pretty scraggly pube-like beard thing going on. i can't decide if i should keep letting it go or if i need to do stuff to it. i'm definitely attracting a different type of attention - the other night a big old bear smiled and waved at me. i laughed - probably not the most polite response?

tennis

i follow professional tennis to a weird degree. only a few people really know how big the obsession is, but it's there (i think i freaked my sister out when we went to the us open a few years ago and i went off on this russian girl and her myriad of injury problems. also, she had huge quads).

so i was really disappointed i couldn't watch venus and serena play last night. i wandered my neighborhood trying to find it on tv in a bar somewhere (another complaint about my apartment - we don't have cable), but couldn't and was too pussy to ask at the gay sports bar for them to put it on. instead, i popped open a beer at my house and followed the score on the computer. it was pretty pathetic.

after talking to nora on the phone, who kept saying it was an unbelievable match, i decided that if it went to a third set, i would gather my courage and go back to the mix and have them put it on one of the tvs. and then venus lost.

i've always liked venus more than serena - i think something about being the less athletically gifted sibling strikes a chord with me (although, obviously, nora and i are much more impressive athletes than these two) - so it was especially sad to read all the analysis this morning and see that she essentally choked.

i'm pulling for dementieva now - the best player never to win a major - or serena. on the men's side, i have a soft spot for roger, and would love to see andy roddick regain some of his luster. but i think we're heading to a novak - rafa final, which at least would be an exciting match (with the extra drama of novak crying after he lost the gold medal match to rafa at the olympics - that was pretty funny).

anyway. i love tennis.

jobby

i need a new job. for many reasons, but right now, it's because i want to make more money. again, for many reasons, but i want to find a new place to live - my current apartment is too loud and too dark (like i can hear people shitting when i'm in my bed and i have to turn a light on pretty much all the time in my room).

when i did my first interview for this job, i was told the pay was 15 an hour, or more based on experience. two months later when i finally was offered the job, i was too excited to negotiate and so accepted that as my pay rate (the recruiter was pretty surprised, in retrospect). i realized my mistake pretty much immediately, but figured i could negotiate at the end of 3 months when my initial contract ran up.

the new offer at the end of 3 months? 17 an hour. boo. i went back and forth with hr, but there was really nothing to be done, and since we only get raises once a year, and they are percentage based, i'm totally fucked as long as i don't get a promotion. or a new job.

in related news, now that my supervisor is gone, i am going to the gym during the day. so far, i'm not sure i'm sold on it, but i'll keep trying. i am definitely liking not waking up so early in the morning.

this post was lame.

an open letter, part 3 and 4

dear man in red jeep,

get the fuck off my ass.  there were two cars in front of me.  what the fuck did you want me to do?

all the best,

eoin

dear slightly overweight older woman in green car,

sorry i almost killed us.  my bad.

all the best,

eoin

back by popular demand!

and by popular demand, i mean 2 people asked me what happened to the blog. so yay! i have readers! thanks!

so much has happened in the last month, but really, nothing more exciting than the passive-aggressive battle my roommates are waging against each other right now about our cat.

a few months before i moved in, there were a few mice running around our apartment. gerald, who used to live in my room, and my female roommate E decided to get a cat. mice problem = solved. the problem is that the cat is kinda lame. she sits on E's bed all the time, meows whenever anyone is in the bathroom, and is just generally kinda a wet blanket. M, my male roommate, has long made it clear that he doesn't like the cat. he's been hating on minna since i moved in (sidenote - i don't even know how to pronounce the cat's name, that's how much i don't interact with her).

i guess M has a new "boyfriend" who is allergic to cats. when he went in the bathroom (where the litter box lives), he started sneezing. M's reaction was to tell E to move the cat box to the kitchen. which... i don't know, that's kinda gross, but whatever. so M tells me this and i'm like, who cares, whatever, i'm so not getting involved.

but then. when i got home last night, there was a loooooong letter on the fridge from E to M saying, and i quote, "Dear M, After giving it some more thought, moving the cat's litter box into the kitchen is not acceptable to me." she then proceeded to lay out all the steps she was going to take to try to make the apartment less "cat-y."

i had so many thoughts. 1) i love that they are conducting this battle in letters on the fridge. 2) if you have a boyfriend who is severly allergic to cats, isn't the natural response to go to his house more often and not have your roommate de-cat the whole apartment? 3) i don't care enough to get involved and i hope i'm not dragged into this. 4) the new cat litter box is gigantic and has a swinging door and looks like a mini-house.

so i'm also thinking now isn't going to be a great time to let the roommates know that i told sara i would take our old cat connor. heh.