therapy

i have some issues. let's just start with that. i have been going to therapy for almost a year now (and on and off for the last... long time), and take anti-depressants. i also have anxiety issues and self-medicate too often with alcohol and cigarettes (but i don't do drugs! score one for eoin!).

monday nights are therapy nights for me, and last night my therapist kinda yelled at me. i'm not sure how i feel about it yet. well, i do know how i feel about it right now, which is that i'm mad at her. but i guess this is her job.

i have spent the last year working on setting up a life in california, and now that i seem to have finally gotten a base under me, i guess it is time to start looking at other issues. because i'm certainly not happy day to day - well that's not really true - but i know there is more work to be done.

i suppose i probably needed a kick in the pants to stop being evasive and waste my time and money (and my therapist's time) not really "doing the work" but... it still kinda sucks.

this reminds me of the season 3 premiere of veronica mars, where veronica asks mac how it's going with her therapist, and mac replies "i think she's bored with me." that's how i feel.

so now i have 5 days to experience like, feelings, or whatever it is that normal people do, so that i have something to work with as opposed to just being angry with her. although, now that i think about it, maybe part of my problem is thinking i need to go to therapy with an idea of what i'm going to talk about. maybe the point should be to just... be there.

le sigh. self examination is hard.